nobody

He walks in and I feel his presence behind me, in me. It tightens my throat and makes my heart sink a little. Pin up girls and old English cover you from your rough fingers to your farmer tanned neck. Your burnt out, dropped out, loved out. I can tell, I can see right through you. Your quiet and pain stands still and silent in your black eyes. Your trying to recover from all this. All this shit you’ve put up with. Your done. All you want is a pillow for your head. An easy ride, no trouble.

Your remind me of a friend of mine. You hang your head and look straight ahead in hopes not to draw attention. You have these secrets you never bother to whisper. You have these stories you never need to share. Nothings a big deal. Nothing can shock you anymore.

I pick up your empty plate and it shakes in my hand. I can feel your black, cold eyes staring at me. not provocative but appealing and shy. I anticipated it, I felt it like ice down my neck before I even turned around. And I proceed to ask myself why I attract people like you? Why theres that magnetic sexual tension between broken and more broken. Your eyes follow me as i clean food laden table tops. So intense i can feel your questions. your thoughts.

why does this happen. i want to disappear, i want you to leave. And you do. You get up and walk out, leaving me with only the lettering on your neck. My heart beats quickly as you leave. I see you look one last time from my peripherals. A tear wells in my eye and i couldn't even tell you why. You bring stagnant memories that i could never even begin to tag. you bring a feeling that wells up inside of me like vomit after too many drinks. quick, sudden, and oblivious.

im still moving forward. The goals have changed. but its a forward motion. Im still standing, even though i didnt think i would breathe again.

When you give up your dream, you die.

minutes turn to hours

hours turn to days

days to months

months to years

Years that i have let my dreams slip through my fingers. Remember when we were young? and everything was possible. everything was gunna happen. We were going to conquer the world. Unfortunately, The older you get the bigger the world gets.

Its been an adventurous slip mind you. Its brought me to some interesting places. You see i'm not exactly the type to get homesick. I like to feel that turn over in my stomach, i like to feel the drop before i jump. Im ready for the wrong turn. its the stay that gets me.

Humans like it the way they have it. We dont want change. So if you can move yourself past the comfortable little niche you've created, let all your useless possessions go and get on with your sorry self, do so. I forget how useless my presence is here. I forget how short life is. I forget that if im not living and doing what i want today, and not tomorrow, I'm just wasting fucking time.

Once upon a time nobody gave a fuck...

I drive down a road made of water. Thick sheets of warm rain fall from above. I think to myself, nobody would believe this shit. Huge trees with multiple trunks hang, steaming in the tropical storm. Its branches sag over the water way, weeping into it. Large white birds expand their massive wings and take cover at the sound of the storm. I stand on the atlantic shore looking out into the sea. Im looking for an answer i doubt she will have for me. gust's of wind knock me backward, black clouds hang above, turning the sea into an angry grey. surfers run from their cars into the angry water, it swallows them, throws them, but this is all they know. this is surfing in Florida. hundreds of short choppy walls rise and break quickly on top of one another. i drop to my knees letting the coarse white sand run through my fingers. I try to see myself being here, living here, loving it, but i cant. I dig deep for a reason to stay, i want to stay. but all i've found was a deep sadness i've never felt. i guess its one of those things in life you'll never be able to explain. one of those epic life changing events you wish you could bottle up and take home. take home and show all the people close to you. But they'll never get it. No one will ever get it. So your stuck, alone and miserable in your silence.

Im stuck alone with coarse grains of sand, weeping willows, angry seas, and nothing but a salty taste left on my tongue.

rise.

I see a dark string with a glint of gold lay helpless and lifelessly at the bottom of my bag. Im looking at this bracelet and im trying to remember what it ment to me. The black string and the gold clover used to mean freedom, and life. It was a reminder that life is large, and open to whatever you might what to fit into it. it ment dancing like nobody was watching and crying like you cared. It ment speaking up and opening my eyes. It ment running with heart and soul. It ment loving with everything I had. It was my faith. My reminder that something good is on my side only if I wanted there to be.

Now im lost and there is no hiding it. Im searching for something, im stumbling in the dark. My eyes are wide shut, my mouth is sealed. I have no heart to pour out. I hold it all inside and Im about to burst with everything I’ve suppressed.

This world used to mean something so much different than it means to me now. I’ve brushed shoulders with a larger part of it, and all I want is more. I look around me and I cannot stand what I see. I cannot stand what Im surrounded by. I want a bigger piece of life, and if I don’t jump now I never will. We are all so scared of stepping out. Were all scared of leaving our comfortable little lives. People are so sick in there existence. They could grow up, go to school, pay loans, bills, and mortgages, get married, have children, grow old and die all in the same town. They “vacation”, they talk about politics and going green, they drive their electric cars. They send their children to the best schools, buy organic food, and go to the gym 3 times a week. They sit at their cubical answer phones, type up reports and fuck off. But do they ever wonder what the fuck their doing? I don’t know. Maybe that is for some people. Picket fences n’ shit. Giving up adventure and chance for comfort and community. And that’s fine. But I cant stay here and burn my soul with books and classrooms. I cant continue to run this race with no drive. I need to feel the sand between my toes, i need to feel the pain, the cold, the wind at my back, the dirt in my face. Everybody wants to be different but they just all end up doing the same shit. How do you escape and make it different? Its so simple, but know one will ever do it. you leave.

Youll never know until you jump.

I have one person holding me down to the ground. Otherwise I fear id float away. Id loose all human connection. You might find me 3 countries away amoungst a faceless crowd. A pulsing sweep of people thousands of miles away. Between rivers valleys, oceans, fields and hills. From castle towers to shantys. Id follow you to the end of the world. You’re my home, my heart, my soul. You may be the only one that’s believed. That’s pushed through. Persisted. With it all. My love for you goes beyond what I even know love is. I suppose you see life the way I see it. Coming out on top, valuing the freedom to be above the world. To see it from every angle.

Im trying to not let you fall through my fingers.