fine art?

my eyes pop open on a sunday morning at 6:56. the sun shines bright through my window burning my face. the only thing i can think of is a show. i want a show. I want a show like a fat kid wants cake. I want to see my photos big and glossy, high and mounted, haloed with that perfect gallery lighting for everyone to see. Or perhaps shadowed and mysterious, in the modern architectural type. Quiet and intriguing. Im googling MOPA. Perhaps I've stumbled upon the wrong gallery for showing, or my bigger fear, perhaps i don't know art? All these photographs, so old, and strange. they do nothing for me. Does that means i don't understand? Maybe that means my taste is not fit for the art world. Not refined enough? Unappreciative of the prestigiousness of it all. Its the legacy not the look. Does that apply to those hideous Louis Vuitton bags? and Ralph Lauren polos as well? that classic timeless piece that everyone has to have but doesn't even like.

Reflecting: old pieces i found scattered about

I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough

It’s like these defining moment in life. Where you stop. And look at all you’ve been through. Like some kind of movie, they flash by artistically, smoothly. Fluid. So beautifully in motion, as if god himself had arranged them. Timed so precise in your life.

One boy didn’t work out because the next ones better

You quit this race because the next one will be a breakthrough

You did bad but the next time will be amazing

There’s always the underlying hope

You always have the next best thing to hold on to.

But I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved

I don’t know if I’ve ever really loved myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped to really think about where this life is taking me. I just ride with the current. Sometimes it flows. Sometimes it doesn’t

The last four months. Have not

But as usual. As Brie always does, and has. She will pick her head up, pack her shit. And move the fuck on. Because that’s what I do best. And when I do, it will be better. And I will be good enough. Tough shit in your life doesn’t implement unless you strive. Im striving.

Im fighting

But right now this battle is useless. My mind and body have overthrown everything. Im feel like a helpless prisoner trapped in my own cell. I have no control of any of this.

(listen to what your saying, you have complete control brie. Compos Sui Compos Sui)

this is what you have to realize. You have control of everything in your life. You are the master of your temple. You make every move, every choice. You govern it all. Make it count. Make it smart, and strong. Make it work. Make it win. Make it love and live.

Its easy to say these things, but actions mean so much more. Make it happen brie.

another day.

There are people that travel. And people that don’t. there are the people that want to live the adventure. And people that want to bask in all that is nothing.

Much like people that gamble, and do everything the wrong way. Much like people like me. who don’t go to class. Who dream. Who write. Who paint. Who never check their voicemails. And are always late. Who change their mind as often as they change their lovers. But really do love every single one. For different reasons of course. Who prefer wine over chocolate. who are always waiting for the next best thing. Who ignore your phone call because they feel like it.

Things are beggining to feel more and more surreal. And its not the wine. I feel something coming.

and another...

Zach,

I wish life always worked the way you wanted it to. I wish it sped up like the movies; time speeding up just were you need it to, and slowing down for all the right scenes. I wish it were as easy to be yourself and live the way you want as it is in your dreams. I wish you could paint reality with a brush. I wish I could click a shutter and reveal my life photo by photo. I wish the people I thought about, thought back about me equally. I wish I would never have to hurt another person. I wish I could be everything I play in my mind everyday. I wish I had savored the moments that crept by me. I wish I could speak up and tell things the way I mean them. I wish life would take a swing in my favor. For once. And grant me what I ache for the most. I wish I could hold grains of sand it my hands on a far away beach, completely alone and be one hundred percent okay with that. Alone. I want to be able to be me.

I feel like I’m standing on the edge. I’m jumping. I’m letting go. With a solid idea why but none at the same time. I’m falling and it feels so good. To jump into nothing, with nothing to land on. The adventure, the uncertainty of it all makes me feel alive again. I’m diving head first into it all with every intention of being sad, alone, and unsure. But that it what life is about. Chances. If we never jump well never see the bottom. And well never get another shot at the top. We never get to appreciate all it took to get back up there. Life is about the climb, and all the experiences along the way.

Were so comfortable in our everyday lives, how can you blame us? We are creatures of habit. We want everything and we rarely accept change. We fret over them until we simply fall into another ritual of daily life. I’m not usually the one to initiate these things which is why this is so strange for me. but Zach, this is inside me, deep inside me. I need some kind of dramatic change. And if it doesn’t happen now I know I will regret it. Ill regret for the rest of my life that I never fucking jumped.

In the end good things will come of this. I know this. I love you always. You will always have a piece of my heart Zach. And ill tell you a secret. I am much like a bird. You need to let me go sometimes, but I will always fly back. And when that happens the choice will be yours.

Always,

Aubriele

...another

i breathe eat and sleep it. it crawls into my mind while i sit. It scratches through broken memories and dreams, clawing to the top. i work toward everything i want, but i cant work toward you. your gone. i just have to keep reminding myself of it.

all I wanted was a little bit of solid. I invite pills, alcohol. Anything that will let me drift my thoughts from you. Your driving me fucking crazy

nobody

He walks in and I feel his presence behind me, in me. It tightens my throat and makes my heart sink a little. Pin up girls and old English cover you from your rough fingers to your farmer tanned neck. Your burnt out, dropped out, loved out. I can tell, I can see right through you. Your quiet and pain stands still and silent in your black eyes. Your trying to recover from all this. All this shit you’ve put up with. Your done. All you want is a pillow for your head. An easy ride, no trouble.

Your remind me of a friend of mine. You hang your head and look straight ahead in hopes not to draw attention. You have these secrets you never bother to whisper. You have these stories you never need to share. Nothings a big deal. Nothing can shock you anymore.

I pick up your empty plate and it shakes in my hand. I can feel your black, cold eyes staring at me. not provocative but appealing and shy. I anticipated it, I felt it like ice down my neck before I even turned around. And I proceed to ask myself why I attract people like you? Why theres that magnetic sexual tension between broken and more broken. Your eyes follow me as i clean food laden table tops. So intense i can feel your questions. your thoughts.

why does this happen. i want to disappear, i want you to leave. And you do. You get up and walk out, leaving me with only the lettering on your neck. My heart beats quickly as you leave. I see you look one last time from my peripherals. A tear wells in my eye and i couldn't even tell you why. You bring stagnant memories that i could never even begin to tag. you bring a feeling that wells up inside of me like vomit after too many drinks. quick, sudden, and oblivious.

im still moving forward. The goals have changed. but its a forward motion. Im still standing, even though i didnt think i would breathe again.

When you give up your dream, you die.

minutes turn to hours

hours turn to days

days to months

months to years

Years that i have let my dreams slip through my fingers. Remember when we were young? and everything was possible. everything was gunna happen. We were going to conquer the world. Unfortunately, The older you get the bigger the world gets.

Its been an adventurous slip mind you. Its brought me to some interesting places. You see i'm not exactly the type to get homesick. I like to feel that turn over in my stomach, i like to feel the drop before i jump. Im ready for the wrong turn. its the stay that gets me.

Humans like it the way they have it. We dont want change. So if you can move yourself past the comfortable little niche you've created, let all your useless possessions go and get on with your sorry self, do so. I forget how useless my presence is here. I forget how short life is. I forget that if im not living and doing what i want today, and not tomorrow, I'm just wasting fucking time.

Once upon a time nobody gave a fuck...

I drive down a road made of water. Thick sheets of warm rain fall from above. I think to myself, nobody would believe this shit. Huge trees with multiple trunks hang, steaming in the tropical storm. Its branches sag over the water way, weeping into it. Large white birds expand their massive wings and take cover at the sound of the storm. I stand on the atlantic shore looking out into the sea. Im looking for an answer i doubt she will have for me. gust's of wind knock me backward, black clouds hang above, turning the sea into an angry grey. surfers run from their cars into the angry water, it swallows them, throws them, but this is all they know. this is surfing in Florida. hundreds of short choppy walls rise and break quickly on top of one another. i drop to my knees letting the coarse white sand run through my fingers. I try to see myself being here, living here, loving it, but i cant. I dig deep for a reason to stay, i want to stay. but all i've found was a deep sadness i've never felt. i guess its one of those things in life you'll never be able to explain. one of those epic life changing events you wish you could bottle up and take home. take home and show all the people close to you. But they'll never get it. No one will ever get it. So your stuck, alone and miserable in your silence.

Im stuck alone with coarse grains of sand, weeping willows, angry seas, and nothing but a salty taste left on my tongue.

rise.

I see a dark string with a glint of gold lay helpless and lifelessly at the bottom of my bag. Im looking at this bracelet and im trying to remember what it ment to me. The black string and the gold clover used to mean freedom, and life. It was a reminder that life is large, and open to whatever you might what to fit into it. it ment dancing like nobody was watching and crying like you cared. It ment speaking up and opening my eyes. It ment running with heart and soul. It ment loving with everything I had. It was my faith. My reminder that something good is on my side only if I wanted there to be.

Now im lost and there is no hiding it. Im searching for something, im stumbling in the dark. My eyes are wide shut, my mouth is sealed. I have no heart to pour out. I hold it all inside and Im about to burst with everything I’ve suppressed.

This world used to mean something so much different than it means to me now. I’ve brushed shoulders with a larger part of it, and all I want is more. I look around me and I cannot stand what I see. I cannot stand what Im surrounded by. I want a bigger piece of life, and if I don’t jump now I never will. We are all so scared of stepping out. Were all scared of leaving our comfortable little lives. People are so sick in there existence. They could grow up, go to school, pay loans, bills, and mortgages, get married, have children, grow old and die all in the same town. They “vacation”, they talk about politics and going green, they drive their electric cars. They send their children to the best schools, buy organic food, and go to the gym 3 times a week. They sit at their cubical answer phones, type up reports and fuck off. But do they ever wonder what the fuck their doing? I don’t know. Maybe that is for some people. Picket fences n’ shit. Giving up adventure and chance for comfort and community. And that’s fine. But I cant stay here and burn my soul with books and classrooms. I cant continue to run this race with no drive. I need to feel the sand between my toes, i need to feel the pain, the cold, the wind at my back, the dirt in my face. Everybody wants to be different but they just all end up doing the same shit. How do you escape and make it different? Its so simple, but know one will ever do it. you leave.

Youll never know until you jump.

I have one person holding me down to the ground. Otherwise I fear id float away. Id loose all human connection. You might find me 3 countries away amoungst a faceless crowd. A pulsing sweep of people thousands of miles away. Between rivers valleys, oceans, fields and hills. From castle towers to shantys. Id follow you to the end of the world. You’re my home, my heart, my soul. You may be the only one that’s believed. That’s pushed through. Persisted. With it all. My love for you goes beyond what I even know love is. I suppose you see life the way I see it. Coming out on top, valuing the freedom to be above the world. To see it from every angle.

Im trying to not let you fall through my fingers.

vapor

a sociology class later and i see the deep, dingy, dark holes.

there scattered through my life like swiss cheese.

i see what I've done to not fill them. i see all the things iv never talked about that have made them deeper.

i see straight fucking through them. i can see the blood oozing in through the bottom.

is it possible the abnormalities i've felt my whole life aren't so abnormal. I live with these secrets, these pink elephants are coffee tables in my living room. they double as sofas for my guest's to sit on. and never till now, has it been so fucking clear. my problems, my anxiety. My longing and needing for everything thats not there.

my addictions, my infatuations, my desperation's.

but why now must they surface? why at this time in my life, when everything should sail by smoothly and effortlessly, after all this hard work, all i've fought, sweat, and bled for.

All i've endured, all i've fucking endured. i feel like i've been through so much shit. so much emotional stamina it has taken to get through my years. so much fighting, and struggling to keep my head above the water. And for awhile, i felt ok. i felt at peace. with myself. and my life.

and now this. this endless hole, the bottom falls out and its over.

and its true. as much as i don't want to believe it. i've always felt off. as a child. outcasted. spit out. wrong. bad. stupid. fat. ugly. there's been times, where things click for awhile. but its mostly been so sad. And i thought it was normal, something that would pass? get better? go away? but it just keeps drilling through. picking out the pieces it wants to hollow.

will i eventually dissipate into nothing?