a vertical wall

writing. the only thing that makes me feel in control. and not so alone. maybe because it forces me to review all that is broken? all that is reality. all of what is happening right now. but it still lets my mind go. i can dream. and once again im dreaming of all the things i shouldn't be. my brain in shuffling through old memories. this current world i live in is meaningless.

i was talking to my old coach, im sick of school i said. Im sick of everything.

she said: Brie your a student athlete, student first. Running is a way to get what you want. Use it! Im so proud of you, you can do anything.

iv forgotten who i am. How have i let this happen? Iv lost some confidence on the way here. I fell and didn't finish brushing off the dirt.

Im Aubriele Fucking Rowe. i run 18's after two years of training.

I teach myself how to surf.

I paint.

Im a photographer.

I have an extensive knowledge of healing foods and health

I wear what i want,

feel how i want,

say what i want.

I love life. when did i become this?

this person that dreads waking up at 6 to run, this person that cant think beyond a homework assignment?

Ill tell you how. Im not following what i believe in. Im not doing what i was ment to do. im not enjoying 100% my life.

And thats how you slowly kill yourself. by doing things you dont bleed 100% of.

its not that i cant live here, i wont for the sake of my life.