fine art?

my eyes pop open on a sunday morning at 6:56. the sun shines bright through my window burning my face. the only thing i can think of is a show. i want a show. I want a show like a fat kid wants cake. I want to see my photos big and glossy, high and mounted, haloed with that perfect gallery lighting for everyone to see. Or perhaps shadowed and mysterious, in the modern architectural type. Quiet and intriguing. Im googling MOPA. Perhaps I've stumbled upon the wrong gallery for showing, or my bigger fear, perhaps i don't know art? All these photographs, so old, and strange. they do nothing for me. Does that means i don't understand? Maybe that means my taste is not fit for the art world. Not refined enough? Unappreciative of the prestigiousness of it all. Its the legacy not the look. Does that apply to those hideous Louis Vuitton bags? and Ralph Lauren polos as well? that classic timeless piece that everyone has to have but doesn't even like.

Reflecting: old pieces i found scattered about

I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough

It’s like these defining moment in life. Where you stop. And look at all you’ve been through. Like some kind of movie, they flash by artistically, smoothly. Fluid. So beautifully in motion, as if god himself had arranged them. Timed so precise in your life.

One boy didn’t work out because the next ones better

You quit this race because the next one will be a breakthrough

You did bad but the next time will be amazing

There’s always the underlying hope

You always have the next best thing to hold on to.

But I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved

I don’t know if I’ve ever really loved myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped to really think about where this life is taking me. I just ride with the current. Sometimes it flows. Sometimes it doesn’t

The last four months. Have not

But as usual. As Brie always does, and has. She will pick her head up, pack her shit. And move the fuck on. Because that’s what I do best. And when I do, it will be better. And I will be good enough. Tough shit in your life doesn’t implement unless you strive. Im striving.

Im fighting

But right now this battle is useless. My mind and body have overthrown everything. Im feel like a helpless prisoner trapped in my own cell. I have no control of any of this.

(listen to what your saying, you have complete control brie. Compos Sui Compos Sui)

this is what you have to realize. You have control of everything in your life. You are the master of your temple. You make every move, every choice. You govern it all. Make it count. Make it smart, and strong. Make it work. Make it win. Make it love and live.

Its easy to say these things, but actions mean so much more. Make it happen brie.

another day.

There are people that travel. And people that don’t. there are the people that want to live the adventure. And people that want to bask in all that is nothing.

Much like people that gamble, and do everything the wrong way. Much like people like me. who don’t go to class. Who dream. Who write. Who paint. Who never check their voicemails. And are always late. Who change their mind as often as they change their lovers. But really do love every single one. For different reasons of course. Who prefer wine over chocolate. who are always waiting for the next best thing. Who ignore your phone call because they feel like it.

Things are beggining to feel more and more surreal. And its not the wine. I feel something coming.

and another...

Zach,

I wish life always worked the way you wanted it to. I wish it sped up like the movies; time speeding up just were you need it to, and slowing down for all the right scenes. I wish it were as easy to be yourself and live the way you want as it is in your dreams. I wish you could paint reality with a brush. I wish I could click a shutter and reveal my life photo by photo. I wish the people I thought about, thought back about me equally. I wish I would never have to hurt another person. I wish I could be everything I play in my mind everyday. I wish I had savored the moments that crept by me. I wish I could speak up and tell things the way I mean them. I wish life would take a swing in my favor. For once. And grant me what I ache for the most. I wish I could hold grains of sand it my hands on a far away beach, completely alone and be one hundred percent okay with that. Alone. I want to be able to be me.

I feel like I’m standing on the edge. I’m jumping. I’m letting go. With a solid idea why but none at the same time. I’m falling and it feels so good. To jump into nothing, with nothing to land on. The adventure, the uncertainty of it all makes me feel alive again. I’m diving head first into it all with every intention of being sad, alone, and unsure. But that it what life is about. Chances. If we never jump well never see the bottom. And well never get another shot at the top. We never get to appreciate all it took to get back up there. Life is about the climb, and all the experiences along the way.

Were so comfortable in our everyday lives, how can you blame us? We are creatures of habit. We want everything and we rarely accept change. We fret over them until we simply fall into another ritual of daily life. I’m not usually the one to initiate these things which is why this is so strange for me. but Zach, this is inside me, deep inside me. I need some kind of dramatic change. And if it doesn’t happen now I know I will regret it. Ill regret for the rest of my life that I never fucking jumped.

In the end good things will come of this. I know this. I love you always. You will always have a piece of my heart Zach. And ill tell you a secret. I am much like a bird. You need to let me go sometimes, but I will always fly back. And when that happens the choice will be yours.

Always,

Aubriele

...another

i breathe eat and sleep it. it crawls into my mind while i sit. It scratches through broken memories and dreams, clawing to the top. i work toward everything i want, but i cant work toward you. your gone. i just have to keep reminding myself of it.

all I wanted was a little bit of solid. I invite pills, alcohol. Anything that will let me drift my thoughts from you. Your driving me fucking crazy